Last week I attended a presentation by David Kinnaman, President of Barna Group, entitled “You Lost Me Live” – the premise of the event was to present the Barna Group findings on 18-29 year-olds that had grown-up in the church, but subsequently left the church. Not surprisingly, there is a book version of the findings (entitled “You Lost Me”) which covers pretty much the same material as the presentation.
Having read the book ahead of time, I was a bit disappointed that the live event didn’t delve deeper into application – now that we have the stats, what do we do about it, what are ideas that are working in some places to reach the 18-29 year-olds and keep them engaged in a life of faith, or even from the 18-29 year-olds themselves (though there was a little of this in the event) about specifically what drove them away from the church.
I’ve had time to think through some of this, and I’m really not that disappointed in the event itself. Like any event one attends, it has its purpose and that purpose may not always mesh perfectly what I would like to get out of it. Afterall, many people lit-up the Twitter-verse (is that the right “hip” phrase?) about the value of the event. I suspect many of these folks are like my wife (who attended with me) and found great value because she had not read the book. So for all of those folks – I’m glad you could get the information because I think it is helpful and important as we consider how the church engages a large number of people who otherwise feel alienated and disengaged.
Here’s what sticks in my craw. (okay, if that phrase doesn’t tell you I’m old, I don’t know what does). The response from some of the attendees to the material presented. I suspect that the response I will highlight here reflect a large number of people in many (particularly mainline) congregations across the U.S. and this disturbs me when I think about the future of the church.
Example 1. A 30-year-old panelist made the comment from the stage “what we are looking for from the church is a place where we can ask the hard questions about life and not be judged.” Seems like an innocent and reasonable request. Twitter lit up with a response “Wanting space to ask hard questions without being judged is like wanting a 0 calorie delicious cake. It exists, but its not healthy” (you can check-out hashtag #ylmlive to find it, I copied it verbatim). Wow, that’s an unfortunate statement. I can’t imagine that I would be serving in a church right now were it not for my parents, my church, and my friends giving me space to ask some hard questions and wrestling to find the answers (or in some cases, continuing to wrestle with hard questions).
I am sure the person that tweeted this response is well-meaning, but this is exactly why 18-29 year-olds have “checked-out” of the church. They’ve been told that there are absolutes and that wrestling with questions about life, science, morality, and countless other topics have absolute right and wrong answers. But as a friend of mine who is a church consultant stated, “the world really is 50 shades of grey.” Until we as the church grab a hold of the fact that we cannot impose 100% absolutes on every aspect of life, we will continue to lose the battle of being able to speak into the lives of our children and grandchildren. And when we shut-down the conversation before it can happen, we tell people “your ideas don’t matter, and therefore you don’t matter.” and frankly, the God that I know thinks that all people matter – going back to Genesis 1 – God created and called it good!
Example 2. A panelist was sharing her story of being a “young person” in a place where many of the employees are over the age of 50. Different generations think differently, they sometimes have different ideas. She has come to terms with that. She commented that she was trying to make some suggestions for ways things could work a bit better or be handled differently and she and her ideas were met with a man who said “you’re not 40 yet, you need to put in your years, work hard, and eventually your ideas will be welcome.” That comment left her feeling hurt, and again I think rightfully so (see my last blog) ... So again, twitter lights up with this comment (again, copied verbatim) “A millennial got her feelings hurt because somebody told her she "wasn't 40 yet." How do you not hurt a millennia's feelings?”
Now, one could read this one of two ways I suppose, but my sense is that what is being asked here is this “sometimes the truth hurts, so if your feelings get hurt by the truth, then what can I do about it?” And the answer lies in Jesus own words, “love your neighbor as yourself.” Now, I’ve probably said this before, if not in a blog then certainly somewhere – this assumes we love ourselves, which is a tall order for many. But think about not that her feelings were hurt, but what was said to cause it – “honey, you’re not old enough to contribute your ideas” – to which she could have responded, “okay, I can vote, drink, marry, rent cars, buy houses, fight for my country, and run for several political offices but I can’t contribute to society by putting my ideas out there and having them taken seriously within the church?”
Seems to me something is missing in this conversation and that is why 18-29 year-olds have left the church. What is missing is the idea that they can be taken seriously. That they have valid ideas and valid ways of thinking that are different than the way those who are 30+ years-old, 45+ years-old and 65+ years-old were raised to think. Why? Because, as Kinnaman points out, this generation has grown up in a society that is discontinuously different than any that have come before it (and if you don’t understand that statement, I suggest you read You Lost Me, and take seriously what is being talked about by a generation that will soon be making more of your decisions than you might want them to).
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